October 06. 1999
What an excellent way to start off mt 13th birthday, my dog got ran over by a car! To make it better it was my own mother that did it. He was my only true friend, the only one that I really loved and cared for, and now he is dead.
I hate my over-weight, hard-ball of a mother! It was her fault, all her fault! I don’t blame her for not letting me have any friends over, she to ashamed of herself! And, I hate to say this but I am ashamed of her to. If people really knew what she was like, they would be ashamed too. She knew the only real friend I ever had was my cute little dog Marshall, and then she turns around and killed him! I HATE HER! I HATE HER!!! How could she be so careless, how could have she not seen him, he isn’t that small.
I don’t know what I’m going to do without Marshall. How will I ever get along.?? I’ll certainly miss waking up every morning, and seeing him standing on his hind legs at the foot of my bed, with his front paws braced against the side, starring at me with his big brown eyes. I can remember that his stubby tail would thump back and forth, and he lean his head over and lick my face and neck, with his warm rough thong. Boy did I love that dog, I’m going to miss him so much. I’ll never find a friend quite like him, he is irreplaceable.
Marshall didn’t care about the way that I looked, whether or not I was smart or stupid, or even about the guys that I messed around with,( which is why my ape of a father resents me.) He never once put me down like everyone else. He loved me, and now he’s gone, and it’s all because of my mother!!
I’m going to miss Marshall, but I know that I will never see him again, thanks to my selfish mother who let him run free while I was at school. She knew how much he loved to chase car. He always did do it, ever since he was a little puppy. But of course she didn’t care. I’m never going to forgive her for this, NEVER!!
October 08th 1999
I no longer care what I do, my own father calls me a sl**, so why shouldn’t I live up to his accusations?? Just last night, I went out and did exactly what he expected me to do. I’m sick of him calling me a sl**, and everything else in the book, when I hardly even does anything. I hope that he’s happy now, that I gotten into drugs and I’m trying to drown out my problems in booze, that should make him really proud.
Oh, sometimes I wish that I was dead, so all my problems go away, and I could be myself and next get lectured on it. It not like anyone would care anyway.. Mom is too absorbed in her own selfishness, and Dad, he’s just off in his own little world. The both of them don’t even know that I’m alive, except when it come time to bi*** at me for something that I did. Nobody cares for me except for a few idiots that only want one thing sex!
Sometimes I even wonder, why should I even care. It’s not like I’m going to be anything when I grows up. My school grades are falling and I’m almost positive that I will have to take the grade 7 over again. That’s going to be fun, that will make Dad even more happy with his little girl.
I just don’t know what to do! Nobody cares about me so why should I!!
October 10th 1999
My house has turned into a was zone!! Ever since my 13th birthday, nothing has been the same. Whenever I return home from somewhere, Mom barricades herself in her bed room, and Dad prepares an attack. We never avoid each other’s territory, because that would mean victory for te other. Our regular routine is tossing a few verbal bombs at each other when our paths cross, and all this fighting ends with them labeling me as a sl**, and me calling them the worse parents!
October 12th 1999
What a wicked party last night!! It was so much fun, there was nothing big that happened, just the same old stuff, drugs, booze and you know what!! The guys that were there were all over me, they seemed pretty happy when they all got what they wanted. I mush have slept with three guys last night.
God, why do I have to be this way, why can’t I be like all the other girls, and get decent guys that what a relationship, not just sex?? I can’t do anything right, I wish everything was different!!
October 16th 1999
You never guess what happened to me? It just made my life so much better, I just received a call from the hospital, and they told me that I am infected with the HIV virus. It all started with the first guy that I slept with Jamie Thomson. It only happened once, but then I kept doing it, more and more, except with everyone else. Nothing should make a difference to me know. Why shouldn’t I live up to all the names that my father calls me! I went to the hospital on Saturday, with my boyfriend Jesse , he came to give me moral support. We were both really scared, so I made up a false age and name It’s not that hard to do this, because I look much older than I really am. I really fooled the doctors when I said that I was Amy Jefferson, age 18!
How could I have let myself…. or let me father have so much control over my thoughts and actions. It’s all his fault!! I hate him, I’m going to die because of him. I wish he would have this cursive disease, not me. I’m only 13, I don’t want to die. It’s going to be so embarrassing having to phone all those guys, explaining to them that I have HIV’s and that they should go get tested. It is mine as well if I was dead!! I’m going to die anyway!! That’s it! I’m going to get this over and done with now. !! I’m going to do it tonight, and I’ll make it look like nothing happened. I’ll make it look like I ran away, when really I’m on he bottom of some cliff out side of town. They probably won’t even know that I’m missing, until someone finds my body. I hate my life all the hating is going to end tonight!!
Lost, and confused