How to Write an Essay the Procrastinator’s Way
With immaculate planning, reserve an entire afternoon for the greatest composition you will ever write. Neatly arrange all of your reference materials, and be proud of your superior organisational abilities.
Put paper in your printer, all ready for the big essay you’re about to start. Try to figure out just what percentage of a full-grown tree one sheet of paper represents. Try to back this up with data gathered from any source you can.
Blame your lack of progress on an old junior high school English teacher, who never did teach you how to write properly. Compose a letter telling the teacher just what you think of this unfortunate situation. Compose another letter to the school board, urging them to fire this sorry excuse for an educator.
Look through your old high school yearbook. Wonder what all those people are doing right now, at this very moment. Conjure up elaborately detailed scenarios. Share them with your increasingly disgusted roommate.
A Mars bar might come in handy right now. Try to figure out which vending machine has them in the lowest row — the lower they’re placed, the sooner they’ll fall, which means you can get back to your brilliant paper more quickly. Test which machine will drop them the quickest, using a small fortune in change, for future reference.
Be proud that you have gotten rid of all possible distractions. Then get depressed that you have no friends who love you enough to barge into your room anyway, just to be with you. Write a sensitive, carefully thought-out poem about this.
Get into a heated argument with a friend over the more complicated parts of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Lacking all knowledge of physics can only strengthen your position, as you cannot comprehend your friend’s almost-certainly wrong claims, and thus cannot be confused. If time doesn’t exist, then you can forget about your damned paper.
Consider whether or not you should put your name in italics. Search through all your old psychology textbooks, trying to find out what effect italics could have on the reader. Construct a hypothesis when you find no information, and try to test it on your roommate. Get chased away by your roommate.
There are probably no cartoons in your various “Far Side Gallery” collections which relate to your paper topic. Still, it would be a shame if there was one, and you missed it. Check through all of the comics just to make sure.
Ask the guys next door if you can borrow a bottle or two of paper-relevant beverages. Try to come up with an answer when they ask you what you’re doing up so early.