HABIT # 5
?h SEEK FISRT TO UNDERSTAND, THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD
The basic concept of this chapter
?h TAKE TIME TO DIAGNOSE
?h READING AND WRITING, NOT LISTENING
Very few people have had training in listening and therefor use a listening technique. To interact effectively one must really understand the problem. Once the person feels you understand them then they start to open up.
?h LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND NOT TO REPLY
Most people listen to reply rather than understand meaning that they are either talking or getting ready to talk. When one person listens to another they are often relating the story to their own lives, past experiences or frames of reference.
?h 4 MAIN LEVELS PEOPLE LISTEN AT
Never really reach the 5th level of empathic listening, empathic meaning to really understand the other person both emotionally as well as intellectually. Getting into their frame of reference.
?h HOW WE COMMUNICATE
?h 10 % words
?h 30 % sounds
This is why empathic listening is so important and powerful; you listen with your ears and eyes. If you listen empathetically one listens for feeling and meaning.
?h PSYCOLOGICAL AIR
This is a very important concept and can be achieved if people are able to listen empathetically. Example of air being sucked out of the room, survival would be the only motivation and the book would not be very important. The most important part of this concept is that satisfied needs do not motivate people only the unsatisfied ones. It is very important for people to be psychologically understood, or to be affirmed or validated so if you can give them this feeling through listening empathetically then it is possible to concentrate on the real problem.
?h 4 AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL RESPONCES
These responses come very naturally to us and we live amongst it all the time. It does also effect our ability to really understand. Probing and evaluating is very controlling and invasive and does not give a person psychological air.
?h SEEK TO BE UNDERSTOOD
Once one has succeeded in understanding then one has to try and be understood. A person should be able to present his or her own ideas clearly, specifically, visually and very importantly contextually. Meaning in context of ones paradigms and concerns. It is important for people to believe that what you are presenting is what you really believe in and understand.
HABIT # 6
?h SYNERGY. WHAT IS IT?
Synergy relates to the concept that the whole is greater than the sums of the parts. The essence of synergy is to value the differences, to build on the strengths and to compensate for the weaknesses.
?h SYNERGISTIC COMMUNICATION
Communicating synergistically means that you are opening up your mind and expressions to new possibilities, alternatives and options. It starts with the belief that all parties involved will gain and learn from the communication process. Many people don??t experience much synergy at all, they are trained into forms of defensive and protective communication, and it comes through a not being able to trust people.
?h LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION
?h Defensive (Win/Lose or Lose/Win)
?h Respectful (Compromise)
?h Synergistic (Win/Win)
The lowest level comes out of low trust situations and is characterized defensiveness and protectiveness. This occurs when people want to cover all the bases and allow for escape clauses if this don??t go as planned. This creates either a Win/Lose or Lose/Win situation and by doing this again amplifies the feelings of a necessity to defend and protect.
The second level is respectful communication and is carried out by mature people. Through mutual respect they try to avoid any confrontations so they communication politely but not empathetically. They might understand each other intellectually but do not look at the factors underlying the other parties positions and are therefor not open to new ideas. This means that the communication is not creative or synergistic and produces a low form of Win/Win.
The third and most productive level is the synergistic Win/Win level. Due to the fact that this type of communication needs high trust, the solutions that it produces are better than any originally proposed