by Mike Loader
R1/2 and assorted characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi.
congratulatory party at the Ucchan’s, especially with the crowd
that’s been invited, is not going to be a happy event.
Still… someone’s got to keep an eye on these nutballs, and
Ranma and Akane are, ah, busy. And noisy. Anything to get out of
Whoever invented pet names should be shot.
Yes, I know I use the name ‘Kuno-chan’ all the time, but
that’s different. I’m _trying_ to be annoying.
Ah, here we are… whoops, drat. There’s a big banner with
‘CLOSING CELEBRATION’ over the door. That’s a shame; I liked
eating here, and Ukyou could be profitable at times.
Oh jeez, this is scary. Ukyou’s grinning like a cheshire cat
on happy pills, and Ryouga’s in the corner hammering away at a
looking at it. Kuno’s trying to sharpen his bokken. Shampoo and
Kodachi are playing darts, and I have a nasty suspicion that I
sold the picture of Akane that’s taped to the dartboard. About
firecracker are Happosai and Cologne, and even they seem
Everyone in the room has a glass in at least one hand, and
there have to be at least thirty empty bottles and glasses in
pieces around the place.
Oh boy, Ukyou’s coming over. I can smell her breath from
here; no wonder she’s grinning. How much have these people had
to drink, anyway?
“Hey, Nabiki, nice to see you. We’re,” and her voice careens
into the sing-song of the young or insane, “Having a little party
of Ranchan and Akane, aren’t we?”
There’s a chorus of shouts in the affirmative, and
someone throws a glass at her. She doesn’t even bother to
dodge, and it shatters on the back of her head. Ow. Okay, this is
freaking me out.
“I just stopped by to say hi, gotta be going,” I say, backing
towards the door. Ukyou’s hand on my shoulder refrains me. Oh
“How about you stay and party with us, ‘Biki? We’re gonna
sing in just a second.” I nod, more to keep her grip from
breaking my shoulder than anything else.
She shoves me into a chair next to Kuno, which is
something of a relief, and goes over to Ryouga. There’s some
talk, and nodding, and the piano strikes up. Ukyou turns to the
rest of the room, and grins.
“How many of you here know ‘Closing Time’?”
Ukyou laughs, and I squirm in my seat, eyeing the door.
“Good, cuz Ryou-kun here is gonna play it, and then that’s the
end of it.”
Shouts and bottles are flung at her, along with a razor
responce, and picks up the portable kareoke microphone that she
installed a month back.
Huh. Looks like Kuno-chan brought his old guitar. I
remember when he was actually kinda cool with that thing,
before he started the whole Samurai Bob deal.
Konatsu emerges from the back room with a fiddle, and I
don’t think I like this at all.
The music picks up, with Ukyou holding the microphone to
the Lost Boy. She’s practically in his lap, but I don’t think he
notices. Well, now that she’s started nibbling his ear I think he notices, but he’s not paying her much heed.
Ryouga’s got a low, kinda sad voice, not unpleasant.
Someone hands me a glass and I have a sip; cider spiked with
something stronger. Ukyou is all over him at the moment; she’s
calling him Ranma but he doesn’t seem to mind. I take another
sip, well, more of a chug.
o/ She’s rubbing half the world against her thigh o/
Yeek, if they get any closer they’ll be screwing on the
piano. I’ve had enough of this kinda stuff with the newlywed
rabbits back home. Ukyou’s really lost it.
o/ And every drinker every dancer lifts a happy face to thank her o/
o/ And the fiddler fiddles something so sublime o/
Konatsu and Kuno are really playing well together. Hey,
what’s Ukyou doing… oh jeez, there went her shirt. I don’t know
how Ryouga’s still handling the piano with those things in his
face, not to mention what’s sitting in his lap. Kodachi and
Shampoo stop waltzing together and take note of this.
o/ And the women tear their blouses off o/
o/ And the men they dance on the polka-dots o/
Uh-oh, Kodachi and Shampoo have decided to follow
drunks, and none of them are male.
The old letch just noticed this too. Looks like the Amazon
and the gymnast are regretting their decision already.
Damn. I don’t like the way Konatsu is looking at Ukyou and
Maybe I should be worried by the way the room is
spinning? Nah. It’s good cider, think I’ll have a bit more.
o/ And it’s partner found and it’s partner lost o/
o/ And it’s hell to pay when the fiddler stops: o/
o/ It’s closing time o/
The fiddle breaks over Ryouga’s head, and he jumps up,
spilling Ukyou on her butt. Looks like the fight’s on.
Ukyou pouts and tosses the microphone to Kodachi, who
grabs it and continues the song while punting Happosai off
Shampoo’s chest. Who the hell invited him, anyway?
Maybe a bit more cider. My glass seems to be empty.
o/ Ah we’re lonely, we’re romantic and the cider’s spiked
with acid o/
o/ And the Holy Spirit’s crying, “Where’s the beef?” o/
Funny, funny, you know. I bet the song just says that, but
it really would explain all the pretty colors in the room. Ah,
hell with it, more cider. My glass is empty, but there’s a bowl
of the stuff next to this pouch of Kodachi’s.
Boy, Kuno-chan can play. I move my chair a bit closer to
him to hear better.
o/ With a mighty expectation of relief o/
Ryouga throws Konatsu through a wall, and returns to the
piano. Ukyou gloms on to him about halfway there, and starts
trying to peel his shirt off. She’s got a sorta desperate look in
I lean against Kuno, who really is very good with that
guitar. I wish he’d play more often.
Kodachi hands the microphone to Shampoo, and proceeds
to try to dice Happosai.
o/ To the tower where the blessed hours chime o/
o/ And I swear it happened just like this: A sigh, a cry, a hungry kiss o/
o/ And I can’t say much has happened since o/
o/ But Closing Time o/
wretchedness in her voice. She was the one who stumbled upon
Ranma and Akane’s little ‘intimate workout’ on top of the
Furinkan clock tower. After that, well… there really wasn’t
much point in trying to win him. The wedding was a week later.
Funny that she isn’t dropping the words. Aah, who cares. I
think I’ll lean on Kuno-chan a bit more.
Kodachi lets loose a hail of clubs and razors. She doesn’t
hit Happosai, but she sure does a number on the counter and
Hey, this is good cider. I hope my glass doesn’t run out
o/ I loved you for your beauty but that doesn’t make a fool
of me: o/
o/ You were in it for your beauty too o/
o/ And I loved you for your body o/
o/ There’s a voice that sounds like God to me o/
o/ Declaring that your body’s really you o/
Happosai lets off a bomb, blowing a wall out and knocking
Kodachi across the room. A bit of the ceiling falls in.
Another bit of wall breaks as Konatsu staggers in from
the alley. He gives a shriek of rage at… hey, Ukyou and Ryouga
are really getting it on! Well… sorta. Ukyou’s slurring Ranma’s
name even as she tries to unfasten his pants, and Ryouga seems
almost oblivious to the fact that a half-naked woman is rubbing
herself against him. Wonder where he learned to play piano.
Konatsu’s not a music lover; he tackles the Lost Boy yet
again. Which send Ukyou to the floor yet again. She giggles
drunkenly… jeez, this is kinda sad… and crawls over to take the
microphone from Shampoo. Good timing; Shampoo’s busy trying
to nail Happosai. Her bonbori are making new windows in
o/ And I loved you when our love was blessed o/
Ukyou’s crying now. I cry too. So sad.
Kuno is nice enough to slip a free arm around me, and I
kiss him as a way of saying thank you. Ooooh, look at the pretty
colors dance! More cider!
Another bit of ceiling falls in as Shampoo’s bonbori gets
in a few hits on the support beams. Happosai throws another
bomb, and… oh, that was the grill! Pretty fire!
Konatsu’s trying to twist Ryouga’s head off. Meany.
o/ And I missed you since the place got wrecked o/
o/ And I just don’t care what happens next o/
o/ It’s something in between, I guess o/
o/ It’s Closing Time o/
Ukyou bursts out into tears, and I do too. Poor Ukyou.
Maybe she can stay with us. Or maybe not. The pretty colors are
getting me confused. Maybe more cider will help.
Tossing the microphone to Happosai, who’s just thrown
Shampoo into the ceiling, Ukyou walks over and… hey! She’s
hugging Kuno-chan! I’d better punch her.
Ow. My hand hurts now. Should I pour cider on it? Nah, will
drink it instead.
I climb into Kuno’s lap and watch the flames from the
grill begin to devour the wall. Pretty.
o/ Yeah we’re drinking and we’re dancing but there’s nothing really happening o/
o/ And my very close companion gets me fumbling gets me
o/ She’s a hundred but she’s wearing something tight o/
Happosai sidles over to Cologne, still singing, and tries to
cop a feel. He must really be drunk. I laugh.
Cologne doesn’t seeem to mind much. She must really be
drunk too. I laugh again. Things are awfully funny for some
She does take the microphone from him, looks sadly at
Shampoo, and raises a glass.
Ukyou staggers over to Ryouga, who’s back on the piano.
Konatsu’s sticking out of the wall. Guess Ryouga won.
o/ And I lift my glass to the Awful Truth o/
o/ Which you can’t reveal to the Ears of Youth o/
o/ Except to say it isn’t worth a dime o/
She shakes her head and unsteadily leaves, after handing
me the microphone. Guess she put a lot of effort into Ranma.
Not as much as Akane did, though! Hehe!
Ooo, I get to sing! Goody! Maybe someone will give me Yen.
Or cider. I like cider.
The room is blurring.
o/ And the whole damn place goes crazy twice o/
Shampoo is bawling, Kodachi is nailing up a picture of
Ranma, and Ukyou is sobbing her eyes out and trying to remove
the tattered remains of Ryouga’s clothing. Ryouga is glowing a
little. So is the fire that’s eating the back room.
Kodachi flings a razor hoop at Akane’s picture, cutting it
in half. Was a good picture too. Boy, Kuno-chan can play. He’s
o/ And once for the Christ o/
Ranma’s picture gets the same treatment. Ryouga’s really
glowing. I would be too, if I were him and Ukyou were doing
what she’s going.
Aw, I wanna hug Kuno-chan cause he’s cute. And drink
some more cider. I’ll throw the microphone to Konatsu.
o/ We’re busted in the blinding lights o/
A bit of the roof collapses in flames. I don’t know which
is brighter, the fire or Ryouga. Pretty colors.
Are those sirens outside?
Ryouga stands, Ukyou falling away in a nude, sobbing heap,
and starts to yell something. I close my eyes. The glare is too
strong, and I think I’ll go to sleep now. Kuno-chan makes a nice
o/ Of Closing Time. o/