Women vs. Men:
The Battle of the Sexes
Call me Sybil. I have two personalities. One is the helpless, quivering mass that men like to call ?vulnerable? and ?female? and the other is pure Paige. The latter is in your face, pull the bootstraps up and take the bull by the horns. This duality has occurred by necessity, not by choice. For years men have been allowed to think that they are the dominant gender, the great providers, and what God had intended humans to be. Little do they know that God is really a She. There are great differences between men and women, some of which are cleanliness habits, thought processes, and child rearing.
As the great Maurice Chevalier sang, ?Thank Heaven for little girls.? Women differ from their male counterparts physically, that is a no-brainer. However, one of the greatest differences between the sexes arises in the grooming department. Women are taught at a very young age that females are to be beautiful, graceful, tasteful, and always be neat and clean. Make-up and beauty treatments are being bought so that women can maintain the illusion of whatever the current trend is. But underneath all that translucent powder and body glitter is a basically clean person. Women have this thing about bathing on a regular basis. Body odor is offensive. Dirty under garments are verboten and the thought of sweating and not changing clothes is utter ridiculous. Civilized women cannot go a day without some sort of bathing ritual. Granted, it is rather hard to bathe properly when they are camping in the wilderness and the mosquitoes are flying in a holding pattern over the only fresh water deep enough to wade in. Regardless of the trials and tribulations, a woman will wash. Why is it then that men cannot get the idea that water is free (think about it) and soap does not cost as much as the girlie magazine they just bought? There are jokes about men not changing under garments for a week; they just keep turning them inside out. That is not an urban legend. That is based on actual eyewitness accounts. Men also seem to have the innate ability to have olfactory impairment. Otherwise, how could they go work out at the gym, not shower, and meet their girlfriends for dinner and wonder why will not give him a kiss or sit close to him?
A woman will open the box, pour out the contents, READ the instructions, and then proceed to correctly assemble the bike or pay. Men, on the other hand, look at the process like waging a war. They call their troops (friends from next door), collect supplies (three six packs and a package of pork rinds ought to do it), and then they empty the contents of the box. Men will stare at the pieces and parts like they are reading runes, ignoring the detailed instructions and pretty pictures some poor slob had to draw and proceed with the scratching ritual. After much discussion, foul language, a trip to the emergency room, and six hundred dollars, the child has a bicycle. Albeit, the bike was assembled by the toy store, but the child has something to ride.
Speaking of children, the greatest difference between genders occurs in child raising. Women have the greatest burden. They are not only required to care for the offspring, they have to teach the children the difference of right and wrong and how to behave and fit into today?s society. A woman plays psychiatrist, doctor, maid, oracle, and confidant to the little bundles of joy. They have to be strong, yet tender, firm, yet be able to decide when to favor leniency.
Men have to be educators too. However, their course plans follow a different list of priorities. Men believe it is important to know the ?Stance?. That is, the proper body placement while evacuating their bladders. This lesson in body arrangement does not include the importance of correct trajectory. They figure that the woman will be along to clean up anyway. The next lesson men teach is gender dependent. Boys will learn how to be virile and master the fine art of pick-up lines. Girls will learn not to bother with boys and be sent off to convent school. Men learn early in the game that intimate questions are best left to be answered by Mom. Men have a tendency to hem and haw and give an answer that is totally inappropriate for the question. Women will thoughtfully mull over the question and give an answer that is both correct and definite. This eliminates the little tyke?s nagging need to ask the same question in different formats.
Although it is necessary to have at least one of each of the sexes around to ensure the proliferation of the species, men and women will never see eye-to-eye on the issues that are truly important. Men will always have an affinity with Pigsty, will make an epic adventure of taking the trash out, and make Dr. Spock roll over in his grave. Women will always think rationally, walk a hundred miles for running water, and be number one in the eyes of their children. Viva la difference!