Two more weeks, that’s all I have to wait now. Results are coming back, and on the same day will be mine and Ian?s one-year anniversary. I love him so much. We?re both going to college, so we?ll be close next year.
Since me therapy he?s the only lad I?ve been with. We?ve been friends since year three. I remember the day we met; he was standing by the swings waiting for someone to let him have a go- he looked like a lost puppy. In the end I let him have my place, since then we?ve been inseparable.
We?ve only been intimate once, but I didn?t lose my virginity to him. My innocence was stolen from me at the age of eight by the only man I trusted. My father. But I don?t have to worry about him now, he can?t hurt me anymore. Ian was the one who got me to tell the police, after I told him what had happened to me he convinced me to tell the authorities. It was so hard to pluck up the courage to take the first step. When I told the officer, he didn?t believe me at first. But when he sent me to another one, this one was a lady and she did believe me. She took down a statement from me, which I had to sign. I?d never signed anything in my life. I was so scared. But Ian was by my side and he helped me through.
I was twelve when I had to stand up and testify against my dad. Do you know what that?s like? To stare into both your parents? eyes and see how much they hate you. To see your picture in the newspaper with your story attached to it. People talking when you pass them in the street. No, you wouldn?t know what that?s like. Not unless you?ve been there yourself.
After the trial my mother was never the same with me. She always seemed distant; sometimes it felt like she didn?t love me. I was too young to deal with this, I suppose I had to grow up too soon. I built barriers so no one could get close to me. Except Ian. He was always by my side, and always will be.
For two years I had to go to therapy, at the time I thought it was pointless, but now I see it helped a lot. I was able to tear those barriers down and let people in. When I first started dating Ian it felt strange because we?d been friends for so long, but it also felt right. I knew it was going to last, right from the start.
Only two days left. The plan was to pick up our exam results from our local civic centre and at night we?re going to go out for a romantic meal. In the future, I want to marry Ian. It would be like a fairytale life.
Oh lord, I?m so nervous. Today is the day. All those weeks of waiting and worrying will be finally over with just one rip of an envelope. My nails will have a chance to grow back. On the way there Ian seemed distant, probably through nerves. All of our friend would be going through this too, but everyone was too worried to worry about others.
When we finally got there we saw groups of people opening their results in union. Most of the faces were happy, but a small minority of people were crying and shouting. For some reason I fixated on those people more than the smiling ones. Ian and I went over to the desk and collected our results. On the count of three we opened them. One. Two. Three. We both ripped open the envelopes in our hands and I suddenly felt queasy. I went into a sudden state of panic. I looked at, and looked at it for what seemed like an hour. My brain wasn?t functioning on the higher levels.
Those few minutes turned into a lifetime. I knew I wasn?t expecting brilliant grades, but grades this bad… never in a million years. My whole life slipped away in that instant. With these grades I couldn?t go to college, my future seemed non-existent.
I didn?t know what to do. I started crying. Ian tried to comfort me, but I wouldn?t let him touch me. All eyes in the room turned to us. I felt like the twelve-year-old girl again, the girl everyone was talking about. I couldn?t deal with it, so I left. Well, I ran.
In my bedroom, I dove under my covers and cried myself to sleep. Waking up dazed and confused is not something someone should not experience regularly, believe me. Many times I?ve woken up confused and if I did that everyday it wouldn?t take me long to drive myself crazy.
I looked around my room to make sure I was certain where I was, I noticed there was a letter on my dresser. I got up and walked over to it and opened it. As I read the letter tears were streaming down my face. All the emotions of the day caught up with me. The letter was from Ian, I could tell straight away from the writing. It read as follows:
Over the past few days I?ve become tired of you and your constant whining. I don?t think there?s much of a future for us. You know this, and I know this. I can?t help the way I feel, you?ve become too distant and I can?t communicate with you anymore. I feel lonely when I?m with you, and I shouldn?t. Everyday you become harder to reach. And that?s not my doing. Kerry, whatever you?ve been through, I wish you?d get over it. It?s been years, I thought you would have been over it by now. For your sake, please get over it. No goodbyes. We?ll still see each other, we just need a break. No matter what happens, you?ll always be my baby girl.
I stood frozen. Not knowing how to react, I just stood there. Not moving. Not making a sound. I looked at my reflection in the mirror and I looked half-dead, my image was so haunting that it scared me. I had nothing to show for my sixteen years of life.
My father raped me at the age of eight and he?s now in prison because of me. My mother hates me, and that?s my fault. On top of that I?d driven my one true love away from me and a promising career was looking bleak. I had no future, and it?s all because of me.
With a lonely tear in my eye I took the blade of the scissors and ran it along my wrist. Suddenly blood began to well up. I felt nothing. So the Manic Street Preachers were right, suicide is painless.
In that second I could fell my heart slow down, I could feel my body dying. I began thinking about my life and all I could think of was Ian. I couldn?t cry anymore. I fell. All I could do was lay there and listen to my stereo. After a while, I couldn?t do anything and I heard this, ?Why does my heart go on beating? Why do these eyes of mine cry? Don?t they know It?s the end of the world, It ended when you said goodbye.? I didn?t know if it was on the stereo or in my head, but all I knew was that it was right.
A white light filled my head and I was left lying there with no one to help me, no one who cared. It doesn?t matter if I cry, It doesn?t matter if I bleed. No one could save me, all I knew was that I was alone. I didn?t know if I was dead and remembering or alive and dreaming.