It is seven o clock in the morning and your ever
faithful alarm clock shatters your restful slumber into
early morning chaos. You are running late. Half-dressed and
clenching a cold Pop-tart in your teeth, you run out your
front door to your car. Out of the corner of your eye you
see the next-door neighbor in his front yard. What is this,
your neighbor stayed home from work to mow his lawn? No, it
is Saturday and this is the second time this month you
forgot to turn your alarm clock off on Friday.
Alarm clocks, specifically Digital Alarm Clocks
(DAC s), are the bane of modern civilized society.
Originally created as a tool, DAC s seem to have taken on a
life of their own. To any outside observer it might seem
that these digital monstrosities delight in the torment of
their programmer.
One of the most frustrating features on your DAC is the
ability, or inability, to set the time. There are 1440
possible combinations and only two buttons to hit your mark
with. First you try the fast button, advancing the time to
within an hour of your mark. Then you try the slow button.
This button advances so slowly that you learn the true
meaning of eternity. The DAC lulls you into a false sense of
security. Frustrated, you try the fast button again, just a
tap. To your horror you find you have advanced the time
three and a half hours past your intended mark. Out of
desperation you try the fast button again, and time speeds
by so fast you begin to think you are in the chair of H.G.
Well s time machine. You stop after your third time around
and resign yourself to within 10 minutes of the actual time.
Even if you set the time correctly and remember to turn
the alarm on, there is no guarantee that your DAC will wake
you up. There will be times when you wake up and look over
at your DAC and it will be innocently blinking. At that
moment you will come to three very startling conclusions:
1. the power went out while you were asleep
2. your DAC has sucked the life out of the back-up battery
you put in last week
3. you are late.
The most disturbing feature of your DAC is the snooze
button. Most people in the beginning say they will not use
it or they do not need it. All it takes is one night out on
the town and the next morning your DAC is there offering you
the snooze. At first you think you can handle it. You begin
to use it more and more, until finally you are always
running late, missing your appointments and neglecting your
family. Sure, you say you are going to quit. You even put
the DAC on the other side of the bedroom so you can not
reach it, but in the end you hit the snooze and crawl back
into bed.
The only way out of this downward spiral is to shun all
DAC s and to just say no to snooze. This will not be easy
because DAC s are everywhere and wherever you find a DAC
you will find a snooze button. The best way to stop DAC s
destructive cycle is to not buy one. Take that money and
invest it in a Rhode Island Rooster every Sunday and have
chicken every Friday night.