Codependency Essay, Research Paper
Codependency is an emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual’s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules – rules which prevent the open expression of feelings as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems. Codependency is a disease of the soul, and an “equal opportunity” emotional disorder affecting people of all ages, races, genders, creeds, educational backgrounds, and income levels. It is a diagnostic term to describe behaviors that are extreme, compulsive, and inappropriate to conceal the exposure of inner feelings. One who suffers from a codependency disorder is called a codependent. Often associated with alcoholism and substance, codependency has become a disorder that develops in relationships and families where the victim is not always the one with the substance abuse problem. A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior
Codependents often come from alcoholic or other dysfunctional families where there are rigid roles and behavior patterns, the pretence of a ‘happy family’ and the inability to be oneself. These children have little sense of personal identity and instead concentrate on being needed. They can excel at coping and caring, but underneath there is always the wish to comply, or please others, and control, or to manipulate others. This can lead to illness and depression, with mounting personal problems, which are never fully addressed. Codependents wonder why they are unable to form satisfactory relationships and why things tend always to go wrong for them.
Codependency is a complex disorder that thrives in unhealthy relationships. By definition, codependency is an addiction to a person, an activity, or a thing, that interferes with mental peace, and obsession used as an avoidance technique. Codependency has identifiable symptoms and follows certain patterns of behavior. A person suffering from codependency is called a codependent. Codependents become so focused on others that they can “lose” themselves. Personal boundaries, limits set between yourself and others, become confused. They often go out of their way to please the people in their social circle. A woman that is married to an abusive alcoholic, for example, will often go out of her way to try and please her abusive husband, even though he logically doesn’t deserve anything that remotely resembles pleasure from his wife. Whenever her husband beats her, she believes that it is her fault. Codependents tend to have low self-esteem, so this kind of treatment is second nature. If she does not seek help, she can end up suffering from emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity / lethargy. She could also suffer from physical illnesses such as gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illnesses.
What makes this situation even worse, is the woman also loses touch of who she really is. She is so warped in making everyone in her life happy, she doesn’t do the simple things in life that satisfy her everyday wants and needs. Codependents are attracted to needy people, which would explain why the woman was married to the alcoholic in the first place. After a while, the woman will get tired of her constant giving and eventually become resentful toward everyone. This is could cause the alcoholic husband to got off the handle and possibly do something extreme, maybe even beat her to death. This is why it is essential for one to seek help.
There are many methods of treatment available for those who suffer from codependent disorders. There are physiatrists that specialize in family issues that are directly related with codependent issues. There is treatment is available. New, healthy behaviors can be learned. Inappropriate rules can be replaced with appropriate ones. Codependent sufferers can learn new, assertive behaviors that, in effect, allow codependents to gain self-esteem and improve their self worth. These behaviors are best learned of taught by a trained therapist, one with a vast knowledge of this complex disorder. If one cannot afford a therapist, there is vast supply of self-help books that deal with codependency. For those with Internet access, there are many chat rooms, newsgroups, and web pages that deal with codependency. Many Psychiatrists have web pages of their own, and answer questions on-line via e-mail.
Support groups are also a great help. They can help convince a codependent that they are not crazy, that they do have a problem and that they are not alone. When a codependent is put in an environment where they are with others that suffer, or have suffered, from codependency, they can often relate that person to themselves, which can get ball rolling in the self-improvement cycle. The woman with the alcoholic husband could probably benefit from group therapies. As soon as she could see others that suffer from the same disorder that she does, she could come to see what in takes for to improve her owns self.
The leading support group for codependents is the Codependents Anonymous, or the Co.D.A. The offer support through a twelve-step program that is similar to the one used by Alcoholics Anonymous.
The Twelve Steps of Co-Dependents Anonymous:
1.We admitted we were powerless over others – that our lives had become unmanageable.
2.Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3.Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood God. 4.Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5.Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. 6.Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7.Humbly asked God to remove our shortcomings.
8.Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. 9.Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10.Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. 11.Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out. 12.Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other co-dependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Source: The Codependent Anonymous Homepage
By following the steps of Codependents Anonymous and other means of self help, one that once suffered from codependency can achieve the mutual goal of self-respect, and can now have a sense of self worth. One would no longer go out of their way to satisfy someone who completely treats them like garbage, and start doing normal things in life that satisfy their wants and needs.
In some unhealthy relationships, people seem unwilling or unable to take care of themselves. They may be out of touch with their own feelings and needs. They have little self-esteem. The only way they can feel good about themselves is by fulfilling the expectations of others. Once treated, a person has a newfound sense of what “normal” is. This is a disorder that, through therapy and counseling, can be overcome and lead the codependent to live a normal life.